Note: I wrote the following in about 10 minutes and have intentionally not read through it again because I'm afraid I'll lose my confidence and it will be forever relegated to my 'drafts' folder. I'm publishing it. Now.
--There are a lot of thoughts swirling around my head. They've been there for weeks... I've just been too afraid to think about them.
It could be because I haven't had an opportunity to vent my artistic energy in months. That's driving me a bit crazy. But, there's more on my mind.
Recently, a photographer that I really admire encouraged me to drop 'The Awkward Photographer' and go by a name that represents me; that I'm limiting myself with that. I was flattered. An idea flickered. I wanted to start over, define my style, build a brand. Reach my potential, aim high... blah blah blah.
In the months since that flicker of inspiration hit, I've started making all sorts of lists. 'Rebranding', 'Potential Names', 'How to Convey My Brand', etc. I've looked through my photo archives to try to define my style - not just who I think I am, but who I want to be as a photographer.
And I'm getting nowhere.
Just now, 10 minutes ago, it creeped back. A thought that I'd desperately been trying to ignore (pretty much since I was a teenager - it always pops out at the most inopportune times). It's this nagging fear that I'm not good enough. That I'm just faking it. That I'll never learn enough... or know enough... that I have no business even trying.
I know pretty much everyone has these feelings at some point. But somehow they work through them. Why can't I? Why am I so filled with doubt that I can't bring myself to even try? (And I'm not craving external feedback here - that's why I've disabled comments for this post. It's not about other people. It has something to do with me. I need to love me. I need to be happy with my photography. I need to be proud of myself. I need to get over this.)
I've had my high points and low points and some fairly hopeful moments. I've made decisions and then changed my mind. I've been brutally honest here on the blog.
And at the moment, I wish that I could just give up. I wish that I could wash my hands of this whole photography thing and move on to something else.
But, I can't.
I told myself, "What if you just stopped taking pictures? Just leave your camera at home. Stop scheduling sessions."
And I honestly can't imagine doing that. It just feels.... wrong.
But I do know this: I am tired of being The Awkward Photographer. I don't know who I want to be yet. I don't know how I'm going to get there. But, I will keep trying. Because this is part of me...
I can't stop.
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