Pure Brutal Honesty.... and Some Fear

Note: I wrote the following in about 10 minutes and have intentionally not read through it again because I'm afraid I'll lose my confidence and it will be forever relegated to my 'drafts' folder. I'm publishing it. Now.

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There are a lot of thoughts swirling around my head. They've been there for weeks... I've just been too afraid to think about them.

It could be because I haven't had an opportunity to vent my artistic energy in months. That's driving me a bit crazy. But, there's more on my mind.

Recently, a photographer that I really admire encouraged me to drop 'The Awkward Photographer' and go by a name that represents me; that I'm limiting myself with that. I was flattered. An idea flickered. I wanted to start over, define my style, build a brand. Reach my potential, aim high... blah blah blah.

In the months since that flicker of inspiration hit, I've started making all sorts of lists. 'Rebranding', 'Potential Names', 'How to Convey My Brand', etc. I've looked through my photo archives to try to define my style - not just who I think I am, but who I want to be as a photographer.

And I'm getting nowhere.

Just now, 10 minutes ago, it creeped back. A thought that I'd desperately been trying to ignore (pretty much since I was a teenager - it always pops out at the most inopportune times). It's this nagging fear that I'm not good enough. That I'm just faking it. That I'll never learn enough... or know enough... that I have no business even trying.

I know pretty much everyone has these feelings at some point. But somehow they work through them. Why can't I? Why am I so filled with doubt that I can't bring myself to even try? (And I'm not craving external feedback here - that's why I've disabled comments for this post. It's not about other people. It has something to do with me. I need to love me. I need to be happy with my photography. I need to be proud of myself. I need to get over this.)

I've had my high points and low points and some fairly hopeful moments. I've made decisions and then changed my mind. I've been brutally honest here on the blog.

And at the moment, I wish that I could just give up. I wish that I could wash my hands of this whole photography thing and move on to something else.

But, I can't.

I told myself, "What if you just stopped taking pictures? Just leave your camera at home. Stop scheduling sessions."

And I honestly can't imagine doing that. It just feels.... wrong.

But I do know this: I am tired of being The Awkward Photographer. I don't know who I want to be yet. I don't know how I'm going to get there. But, I will keep trying. Because this is part of me...

I can't stop.

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Great. Now I'm having second thoughts. Why do I share things like this? It's just going to make me look foolish. But you know what? This is what is going through my mind. And maybe it doesn't do anyone else any good.... but documenting that this is where I am at this point in my life... it is good for me. I can look back later and think 'this is who I was' and I will remember that the road hasn't been easy and I will appreciate where I came from. Because of this.

Pictures of People We Do Not Know {Special Announcement}

My friend Devan (of Mad Cap Photography) and I are beginning a collaborative photography project starting tomorrow.

Our goal: take pictures of 100 strangers in 1 day.

We’ll be posting the pictures we take on our individual blogs, but you will be able to view all of them in one place here:

Pictures of People We Do Not Know

This… is going to be awesome.

I Love Photography

So, I bought a new camera, an upgrade to my previous one.

It arrived.

I experienced a moment of sheer exhilaration and then sudden panic.

“What am I doing?”

This happens to me sometimes. I become overwhelmed by the fear of failure. And yet, I keep doing things like this – buying new equipment, booking sessions, drafting contracts.

I think I’ve finally figured out why.

When you pursue something, even when it makes you occasionally feel foolish and you are full of doubts and you keep agonizing over your past mistakes and those you have yet to make and you wonder if you've really got it in you and you feel like you'll never be on the level of other people and you keep faking it until but aren't sure if you'll ever make it and you constantly question yourself and sometimes question your own sanity and you're too afraid to jump in with both feet but find yourself falling in anyway... 

That's love.

That's something to hold on to. Because if you stick with it, there are moments of pure bliss when you get it right that make all the anxiety and fear and worry fade away.

And you're just left with the awesome.

I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to be disappointed in myself. I’m going to wish that things had gone differently. But, I’m going to stick it out. Because I love photography.

I love it enough to hold out for the awesome.

Introducing: Photography Playdates {Free Fun}

Calling all photography fans!

• Are you interested in a free themed photography session?
• Are you willing to commute to Maple Valley, Washington?

If the answer to both of these questions is yes, then please sign up for one of the three sessions listed here:

Photography Playdates Signup Sheet

Hurry! There are only four spots available for each session.

Do you know someone else that might be interested? Please tell them about this special arrangement offer and share the link with them!

An Overview:

A photography playdate with The Awkward Photographer is an event that allows you to dress up according to the theme (if the theme involves dressing up, that is) and have your picture taken. You'll get copies of the pictures. Yay!

Review the sessions in the linked document and sign up. Please limit your selection to the session that you would most like to attend. The first four people to sign up receive priority, but you are welcome to add your name as an alternate.

Make sure that you are a fan of The Awkward Photographer's Facebook page so that I will be able to contact you. If you don’t use Facebook, send me an email at theawkwardphotographer@gmail.com with your contact information so I can get in touch.

AwkP.

So Much For That Decision

Several years ago, I decided that I would never photograph another wedding.

I had just finished a wedding for a friend, with a borrowed camera and no post-processing. I was completely overwhelmed at the prospect of being solely responsible for capturing the memories of such a special day.

But, something happened.

I gained a mentor and eventually a new camera. I started blogging. I started sharing my work on Facebook. And slowly, very slowly, I began to build my confidence.

Since making the decision to never do another wedding, I have assisted on 4 and been the primary photographer for 2… and I’ve booked 3 more for the coming months.

I feel like I am finally making progress, personally and aristically. I’m becoming The Awkward-ish Photographer (and leaving behind the full-blown awkwardness).

I still consider myself a hobbyist… but I’m feeling a passion for photography that I have never felt before. It’s addicting.

So, bring it on! I’m ready to document life, awkwardness and all.

Welcome to a New, Clean Blog.

This evening, I decided to dive into some html code and make some changes to my blog. It was about time.

New color scheme, simplified layout, modified static pages. It’s not perfect. I’ve got some spacing issues to figure out. But, I think it’s a big improvement.

I’ve removed the parts of the blog that contradicted my inner designer sensibilities – the Google Friend Connect area (don’t worry – if you connect using that, you’re still connected. It’s just not visible.) and the Facebook badge. You can now find that information under ‘Subscribe’ on the top right.

And now I’ll be able to post larger images and more creative layouts… hopefully.

Feel free to leave comments on this post to share with me what you like or don’t like about the new layout. I’m a good listener.

Thanks for sticking with me.

In Review (and a Decision)

If you remember back to a little over a week ago, I was disappointed after I got home from Pablo and Kim’s wedding. Due to my lack of technical knowledge, I felt like I hadn’t gotten the pictures I really wanted. I am responsible for this; I just haven’t yet taken the time to educate myself.

Since this blog is about my journey, complete with many awkward moments, I have been very honest about my trials and triumphs. I’m here to share my experiences, whether they be positive or negative, humorous or humbling.

One of my friends recently encouraged me to think about whether I wanted to be a professional photographer or a hobbyist. After a lot of thinking, I find myself leaning more toward pursuing photography as an artistic outlet, not a profession. I want to continue enjoying my time with the camera, rather than view it as ‘a job.’ I realize that I have the most fun when I am taking pictures of people that I know and love; I can express how I feel about someone through a photograph.

So, except for the odd session here and there, I think I’ve made up my mind.

This will (continue to) be my hobby.

P.S. That doesn’t mean that I won’t take on the occasional ‘photo assignment,’ just in case you were about to ask.

Low Point.

I just got home from assisting at a wedding reception (beautiful location, beautiful couple, good food, good music) and I had a lot of time to think while driving.

Tonight, my social awkwardness and lack of technical knowledge of my camera left me feeling overwhelmed and out of place. I am frustrated with myself. Disappointed.

I am likely feeling this way because this experience forced me to face several things I struggle with as a photographer: 1) large groups of people 2) a lot of movement 3) difficult lighting.

Aside from the photographic element, I felt socially out of place, like I was making guests I approached uncomfortable. Instead of laughing it off and adjusting, I took it personally.

Just when I start to think I'm building confidence and growing out of my awkwardness, I have a few moments that derail me.

I'm not looking for sympathy or reassurance. I just felt the need to share this.

I am still a photographer.

I am still awkward. But I wish I wasn't.

Thanks for Supporting My Awkwardness

It’s been ten months since I started blogging and sharing my awkwardness with the world.

In those few months, many things in my life have changed. I bought a ‘real’ camera. I purchased Photoshop and started using Lightroom. I dedicated a whole month to free photography sessions and captured some amazing moments. I also got lost.

I announced exciting new beginnings, completed photography missions, shared a little of my history, talked about red shoes quite a bit and took you travelling with me.

So, here’s the point of this post: I want to say Thank You.

Thank you for joining me in my photographic endeavors. For volunteering to be my test subjects. For putting up with pictures of yourself that might not capture your best side. For obeying my command to “Stay right there!” or “Just try to look normal.” For remaining calm as I climbed on chairs in heels to get a better angle.

I appreciate your patience. I appreciate your support. I appreciate your help in fashioning my personality as a documenter of life. Most of all, I appreciate your feedback whether through blog comments, Facebook ‘likes’, suggestions for improvement or session requests.

Stick with me. More awkward moments are always on the horizon.

Photo Credit: Cassie Kean

Jeanne & Clark’s Wedding is Tomorrow!

I’m getting excited for Jeanne and Clark’s wedding tomorrow. It’s been a few years since I did a wedding all on my own and I think this is going to be a great experience!

It’s going to be a rather simple affair, so hopefully that will give me more time to focus on picture quality (vs. quantity).

You can see my favorite photos from their engagement session here and the entire series can be found on my Flickr page.

I’ll post a sneak peak just as soon as I can after the wedding. So, check back soon!

Reflections on Awkwardness

I have a friend that is really good at pushing me outside of my comfort level when it comes to photography. I’m always thankful to her afterwards, but I have a tendency to lose all confidence in the meantime. I second-guess, freak out, stumble over my words, get red-faced and use self-deprecating humor. I’m awkward. (duh)

I do a lot of talking about “when I get a new camera, I’ll…” and “after I take a photography class, I will…” But recently, I decided to push myself outside of my comfort level by scheduling photography sessions for free for a number of people. I’m hoping that this will help me gain experience and, even more important, confidence.

So far, I think it’s working.

Last week, during Devan’s senior photo shoot, we had a chance to use a studio setup. Taking photos in an indoor studio setting is totally new to me. And, I kind of panicked. I gave up after only a few minutes when I couldn’t figure out the lighting. I wanted to quit. I even told Devan, “let’s just go home.” But, she was patient with me. She wanted to experiment. So, I became the subject and she started taking some pictures of me. And gradually, I calmed down. I became curious about the lighting and wanted to test it out. I recovered from my melt-down. I’m glad I did. I think we ended up with pretty neat pictures.

I get a little anxious when I start thinking about the coming weeks. But that anxiety is tempered with excitement. I’m looking forward to pushing myself and getting out of my normal routine. And I’m thankful to the people who are willing to help me do that. You’ll see more of them soon.

There are definite benefits of doing something that makes me nervous. This is a lesson I repeatedly have to learn. I don’t know if I’ll ever be one of those people that can step into any situation and land on my feet. But, I think it’s always better to have tried and messed it up horribly than to never have had the guts to make an effort.

I’m going to make an effort.

I’m sure I’ll end up with some good stories to tell.

And to that friend of mine, thanks. If it wasn’t for you, I’d probably just be taking pictures of my own feet instead of other peoples’.

 

P.S. You can see my friend’s work here.